This is not a story of elves or chimneys or huge snow monsters in a blizzard. This is not that kind of Christmas story. Well, there is kind of this big beastly creature in almost a blizzard, but that's Tanner, the brutish muscle cake of a bodyguard that my father sends after me whenever I try to disappear.

I hate Tanner except when he gets too close and then everything goes haywire a little, like the time he tracked me down in a remote Canadian motel with the snow falling outside and the heat rising inside. He tried to drag me back home for the holidays on this mega road trip, but things got weird and kinda strangely awesome, but that can't happen because my father will literally kill us both.