2022-04-25
A Special Kind of Terrible
Both genuinely astonishing (if you want to see what $216 million dollars worth of cutting-edge visual effects looks like through the filter of one of modern cinema’s most singular directors, here it is) and genuinely AWFUL (there is a “story” but not in any conventional way because there is SO MUCH STORY and yet NONE of it makes sense, and I’ve seen this film TWICE). There is not a single moment in this film that is coherently related to the next, not a single moment of rest or calm between those moments. In one way it’s extraordinary- the scale and swagger of the set pieces alone is some sort of miracle to watch- but in another it’s just so terrible, because no one is likeable or memorable as they yell unfunny insults at each other, the sound mix assaults you, the camera is doing high-speed sweeping movements ALL THE TIME around a thousand very expensive, colourfully-rendered pixels... and it’s like that for TWO👏🏽AND👏🏽A👏🏽HALF👏🏽HOURS.
It’s an utterly exhausting experience, technically astounding but numbing and joyless to watch. The only explanation I have for this film being the way it is, is that Michael Bay was on some seriously hard drugs and Paramount gave him more money than God to make whatever he wanted, because logic be damned these films have made enough money to rescue most of the third world from poverty. Like a spectacular car crash that goes on and on and on, this is truly a unique piece of glittering, jaw-dropping, confounding, beyond-exhausting and repulsive garbage.